yeah, so...

here i am again, writing things down because, thinking about them doesn't do any good, when there is no way to backtrack and see if there is a line that can be followed to the situation to determine if and where there was something I should have done differently. Of course there was something. But if I had done it differently, would it have been me? no. I need to write all about this to try and help myself. It's going to ramble on. It won't be linear, and it probably won't make sense to anyone but me. Since there are none of you listening, that's obviously not a real concern. So here's the start. I am in love with someone. We were a couple for a bit, but her expectations are nothing i have experience in meeting. Even as friends, she has expectations that NO ONE I KNOW has ever had. She is not what i would ever call high maintenance. It's just that her upbringing and past relationship experiences have left her wanting something that I don't think I can ever learn to provide for her. This is the most painful thing in the world. I love her, yet never felt comfortable by her actions to change my status to 'Facebook official' when we were dating. I would marry her. I want to father her children, but i can't. It just doesn't work.

no make that two off the list

my friends are never right about who they think is interested in me.

scratch another one off the list.

the shortlist gets shorter.
and less viable.

in she walks...

a beautiful woman. kinda librarian looking, but really good looking. sweet, nice smile. smiles at the idiot at the computer at the bar. (the coffee bar). maybe i should say hi. then he walks in.
why does this scenario never change for me? why does the guy always walk in 45 seconds after the cute girl actually recognizes that i am sitting here?

miss the past?

i look in the faces of some of those i knew and loved back in the 'old days'. some of them have an honesty that comes through and is instantly recognizable, and i would know them on the street anywhere. Others however, are hiding the bad decisions they made and are foreign to me. I wouldn't recognize you on the street, and honestly, i probably wouldn't want to stop and catch up. I can read a lot in your faces. I have always been able to do that. That shifty face isn't just a holdover from your bad days, it's a reflection of who you still are.

i don't care.

i don't want comments, i think i tried to hide my blog from blogspot.
i don't care what you think
the only person i know that claims to read this is paul, and that's fine.
i need a place to write down whatever is messing with my head, in a good or bad way.
that's what this is
i need to find something to talk to kuerriekat about.

just one more...

step to hit on my tumble down the never ending staircase.
they all hurt
you know, nobody know how many painful hits i have taken in
the dating world. except me.

i don't share this information
my closest friends might think that i could count them on two hands.
they are so wrong.
you might want to think more along the lines of pianos and their keys.
pull together a few pianos and the count gets close to accurate.
everytime i start to think something might go somewhere, something changes
drastically at the point where i think it's all going to come together.
and everytime, it's out of the blue.

i am the WTF situation magnet.

there is one exception. melany. that was wonderful and lasted 3.5 years and i still don't know how that started.
probably because she was so much younger than me and i never ever thought anything was leading up to it.

no, i don't blow it, i don't tell them i love them way way to early, the timing just always seems to be off.

this one, i finally nutted up and messaged someone on a dating site instead of just sitting there wishing i could think of something to say.
she is really smart, really geeky, really beautiful and her profile id was a number.
a number that i recognized.
i emailed her.
her profile id was the golden ratio
we messaged back and forth a few times.
i had a really bad week and hadn't even logged on to that site in a week, so i logged in to message her that i would catch up with her over the weekend.

yeah, i got a message back that she had just committed to a man she had been dating for a little while and that she is really really sorry we didn't meet sooner. she deleted her profile on that site, because she was off the market.
she did leave me a real email address and her myspace profile so that we can keep in touch.
as much as i enjoy making new friends, i am conflicted here.
Can i become friends with someone that i really was looking forward to taking out on a date?
those that know me, know that i haven't ever looked forward to dating.
ever.
i don't get dating.
i don't know what it means.
i don't know the rules.

the only way i can handle life is getting to know people and being their friend, and maybe seeing if friend to girlfriend conversion would work.

this was different, this was the smartest girl i had ever seen on a dating site.
this was someone that i really wanted to get to meet.
this was someone that i wanted to date.

normally, i would want to hang out with someone.
i mean really just hang out.
i have always just hung out. unassuming, hanging out being myself, as if the other person was just one of the guys.
i make the best friends of anyone that way. i stopped trying to posture when i was in the 6th grade.
i didn't want to start posturing, i was going to still be myself, but i wasn't going to just hang out.
i was going to be myself but make it clear that i was trying to take them out on a date.

be clear here, i didn't even have this opportunity with melany. she basically jumped me before i thought dating was an option, so we went from hanging out to being in a relationship overnight, and not because of an overnight.

oh well. this may be the first time i didn't get the "you're like a brother to me" which i got an awful lot, mostly because of the hanging out approach.

it may be i just care too much about people up front and quadruple think myself out of screwing up a friendship.
i know, some will say i am only screwing myself.
it's not worth trying (to be an asshole, i mean..) to change who i am.

i stilll...

i still don't feel the love from anyone.
i still have desire to curl up and hide.
i still don't feel motivated to meet anyone new.
i still program computers.
i still want to climb trees.
i still drink beer.
i still want to drop everything and not do anything.
there's a lot more
but i am going to stop now.

change of career?

I have been thinking again of changing careers
I like rope
I like knots
I like Climbing
rope access rescue
just need 2 levels of certification on rope
which is easy for me
and a first responder cert

Then again all I really want to do is climb trees
there is a week long tree climbing class back east for 1500

Hmm

lets learn how to speak properly

rule number one.
like
um
uh

these are not filler words for a conversation
i learned this when i was 11.

if you don't know what to say.
stop
think about what you would like to say
and then say it
you do not need to use any of the 3 words above
to keep people listening.

if you look like you have something you want to say
people will see it on your face
that's all you need

we need to get back to a level of subtlety
to do that, we need to actually listen to people that are talking to you

on the other side of the coin
if people you are listiening to
use the 3 combinations of letters listed at the beginning of this post
you have (excuse the yelling) EVERY RIGHT TO TELL THEM TO SHUT THE FUCK UP

please, try to nicely educate them

last published feb 5th

lets just say there was an extended period of funk
those that know
(probably the one person that reads this, hello north carolina ;) )

new posting next.
not here.